This came aross my computer just now and thought it was pretty funny. I am sure Lex would have laughed!
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
(1a. Submarines – Black outside Pea Green inside)
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor’s house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong rack.”
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout “Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up.”
15.. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500……. In triplicate.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. “Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shit cans and butt kits!”
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one– the same one every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting “Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!”
21. Make your family’s menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.. (mid rats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard, uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout…. “Man overboard, port side!” Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, “Stove manned and ready.” After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. “Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!” Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, “This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!”
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. (Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)
31. Next time there’s a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you’ll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
The Navy was like another planet with its own languages, customs, and rules. If you accepted and trained, then someday what seemed like insanity became genius and you wondered why anyone would live their life any differently.
The Lexicans 
That’s been floating around for at least 15 years. I first saw it back in the fall of ’98. Still cute.
26 years for me. 1987, but without the sub and carrier references.
I grabbed a typewritten copy of a similar gripe list a very long time ago.
…”I’ll get my hair cut at the Helen Keller Barber College”….cracked me up!
I think that (above) was written from an Enlisted perspective, not that the ossifers have it much better. Instead of a rack 6″ from the ceiling, you live in a closet? (unless you are the captain).
Which reminds me.
A few years ago my car club toured the carrier Hornet, now a museum tied up at Alameda.
We are walking through the enlisted bunk area, and I remarked to Tom, who was in the Coast Guard, that it would seem having the lowest of the 4 tiered stack of racks would be the best.
“That would be the worst”, he said.
If the seas are really rough and people are getting sick, well, you don’t want to be one one of the lower racks.
Tom was on a Coast Guard cutter, about 200′ long, out in the North Atlantic.
I thought of an addition to the list:
Every seven years, remove all of your belongings from your house. Hire contractors to gut the interior of the house and rebuild everything. Only hire the lowest bidder for each part of the job. Send out all of your appliances for factory-level refurbishing. Make your spouse keep track of everything on a PERT chart. Give your kids fire extinguishers and tell them to watch the workers.
While this is going on, you and your family will live in a tiny camper in the back yard. Tell your family this will take nine months. (It will take sixteen.)
Hang emergency lights from the ceiling. Adjust the height of the lights so they are hanging down two inches lower than the height of the tallest member of your family.
Tell one of your kids that he or she is in charge of all safety equipment in the house. If you find any weatherstripping that is worn out, restrict the kid to the house for two months, give them extra chores and take away half of the kid’s allowance.
Bill, Stuff the bad mannered know it alls who’ve…ho hum… seen this long ago…I thought it was a good Monday morning laugh/read…
… along with the added benefit of confirming my inspired decision in the way back to pursue a Dogs life. Best, Frank C.
Nothing bad mannered about saying it’s been around awhile Snake. It has and I still think it’s funny.
I wouldn’t expect you lubbers to have seen much of such things.
I know it had been around for years but noticed some new things, too. And, you never know who hadn’t seen it. If I could figure out how to edit my own post once posted, I would add Comrade Misfit’s 2 (#40 and #41?) so when someone googles this it will be added yet more!
I don’t how many remember this, but the absolute funniest thing I ever read on the Net was a nurse’s recollection of things patients said while getting a colonoscopy
http://www.jokeindex.com/joke.asp?Joke=3987
From Comjam on the FB page:
Yeah, pretty much this. Add “build large metal platform on roof over bedroom/ dumpster. At random intervals throughout any 24- hour span, drop 60#’s of chains or 30# anvil onto platform. Usually during periods of sleep.”
QM…” its you lubbers… Sir”… if you please. Best, Frank C.
Lubbers are never addressed as “sir.” You lubbers wouldn’t understand why not. 🙂