Category Archives: Funny Stuff

Having nothing important to say…

By lex

Posted on February 16, 2006

And refusing to add one pixel to the madness which is the Dick Cheney-waited-twenty-hours-to-call-us feeding frenzy, your humble scribe decides to randomly change his look.

Consider it analgous to his surprise when he noticed that his 14-year old daughter’s hair had gone, over the course of two nights from, from its natural brown, to strawberry blonde, to blue.

One wonders whether it is better to over-react to what is, after all, a temporary condition, or fail to react, and engender further escalation.

One may also consult the parenting manual fruitlessly. Because I already looked.

Update: Never mind. That was hard on the eyes.

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A brief conversation between your humble scribe and his Ambien (5 mg)

By lex, on October 11th, 2006
October 11th, 2006

 

YHS: Well, hello. You’re rather a little thing, aren’t you?

 

Ambien: Just try me out, sugar. I think you’ll find out that good things come in small packages.

 

YHS: Well, it’s just that I’ve never actually been with a prescription sleep medicine before. I’ve been saving myself. But I had this really bad night last night, and then of course I took a long nap this afternoon. So now… It’s just… Well… I’m a little worried that I won’t be able to, you know: Perform.

 

I’ve always had a hard time when I travel.

 

Ambien: You just lie down back down there on the bed and let me worry about that.

 

YHS: Well, this is new. Since we’re trying things on for size, do you think maybe we should call over one of your littlefriends? Just in case? Then it could be, you know: Just the three of us?

 

Ambien: If it comes to that, kinky. Lie back and close your eyes. That’s it. There.

 

YHS: I don’t. It’s not. I don’t think it’s working.

 

Ambien:Hush.

 

YHS:

 

Ambien: Room service.

 

YHS: Whunh?

 

Ambien: It’s room service, knocking on the door. They’ve brought you your breakfast.

 

It’s 0800, honey. And time for me to go.

 

YHS: Wha? How? Will we ever meet again?

 

Ambien: Sure, baby. Call me.

 

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“It’ll be great,” they said

By lex, on July 9th, 2008

“You’ll get to see more of your family,” they said.

And at 1930 on a Wednesday evening, supper cools as we severally debate just the right words to capture the moment on slide 11 of an 84 slide Milestone C PowerPoint brief.

This is the dream. I’m living it. Now.

Update: 2006 and we’re all the way to slide 28. Now we’re cooking with gas!

 

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Life

By lex, on December 11th, 2010

In this space I was going to write a thought provoking piece on the role of naval aviation in our country’s national security strategy through 2050. Alternatively, I was going to take a hack at writing something lyrical and beautiful that would have placed you right there in the cockpit with me as something especially moving happened. Failing in those endeavors, I would have put up some plane pr0n for the amusement of the masses, or maybe some almost qualified commentary on the sad, degraded state of our national political discourse. All or any of these things would have been done before 1100, when I arrive at Montgomery Field for the first of my three dogfights today.

But, you know, it’s been daylight savings time for quite some time now, and the afternoon hours darken with irritating eagerness. And the workload has been crushing, like. So I haven’t gotten to do any recreational flying to speak of.

So instead of entertaining you with these my austere gifts, I think I’ll toodle down to Gillespie Field on the moto for to fly the Citabria to Ramona for some tailwheel landing practice before heading down to Montgomery to pick up the paying work and hopefully get her back to Gillespie before the sun goes down.

Life: Sometimes it gets in the way.

 

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Tailhooker’s Prayer

By lex, on September 22nd, 2010

(Ed – An oldie but goodie)

In the Beginning, God created the heavens, and the Aircraft Carrier, and the seas upon which to float it; and yet there was complete Darkness upon the face of the earth. And, as we traveled there came to us, as a voice out of the darkness, an angel of the Lord, saying, “On centerline, on Glideslope, three quarters of a mile, call the ball.” I reflected upon these words, for I was still yet engulfed in complete darkness. With deep feeling and doubt overwhelming my countenance, I glanceth towards my companion at my right hand and saith, “What seeth thou, trusted friend?” And there was a great silence.

Gazing in a searching manner and seeing naught, I raised my voice saying, “Clara…”

And the Lord spoke to me, and He said, “You’re low…power.” As the Lord saith, so shall it be, and I added power; and lo, the ball riseth up onto the bottom of the mirror. But it was a tainted red glow, and surely indicateth Satan’s own influence. And the Lord spoke to me again saying, “Power..Power…Power!!!! …fly the ball.” And lo, the ball had risen up and off the top of the lens, and the great darkness was upon me.

And the voice of the Angel came to me again, saying, “When comfortable, twelve hundred feet, turn downwind.” Whereupon I wandered in the darkness, without direction, for surely the ship’s radar was beset by demons, and there was great confusion cast upon CATCC, and there was a great silence in which there was no comfort to be found. Even my TACAN needle spinneth…and lo, there was chaos; my trusted companion weepeth quietly unto himself and from close behind I heard weeping and gnashing of teeth of our flock. There was a great turmoil within my cockpit for a multitude of serpents had crept therein.

And though we wandered, as if by Providence I found myself within that Holy Corridor, and at twelve hundred feet, among my brethren seeking refuge; and the voice of the Angel of the Lord came to me again, asking of me my needles, and I raised my voice saying, “Up and centered,” and the voice answered, “Roger, fly your needles…”

I reflected upon these words, and I raised my voice in prayer, for though my gyro indicateth it not so, surely my aircraft hath been turned upside down. Verily, as Beelzebub surely wrestled with me, a voice, that of my trusted companion, saith to me calmly, “Friend…fly thy needles, and find comfort in the Lord.” And lo, with deep trembling in my heart, I did, and He guideth me to centered glideslope and centerline, though I know not how it came to be.

And out of the great darkness, the Lord spoke to me again saying, “Roger ball” for now I had faith. And though the ball began to rise at the in close position, my right hand was full of the Spirit, and it squeeketh off power and as in a great miracle my plane stoppeth upon the flight deck, for it hath caught the four wire which the Lord in his infinite wisdom hath placed thirty feet further down the flight deck than the three wire.

And thus bathed in a golden radiance from above, our pilgrimage was at an end, and my spirit was truly reborn. And as I basked in the rapture, the Lord spaketh to me one final time, and He saith, “Lights on deck…”

 

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Lunch

By lex, on August 9th, 2010

Durgin Park, she said. You won’t regret it, she said.

Durgin Park – “Established Before You Were Bahn.”

Lunch1

“The special today is the lobstah roll,” the waitress said. Her honor being a lady of certain age. “It comes with beans, fries and cole slor.”

Cole slor?

How could I resist?

lunch2

In faith, I had never had a lobstah roll before. I didn’t know how to eat it. I asked my neighbors if they were from Bahston, and they said no. “New Hampshah.”

Does one carve it up, or what, I asked, pointing delicately with my fork.

“You pick it up and eat it,” said the patriarch. A look of abiding contempt in his gimlet eye. “Whaa you from?”

Parts else, I was forced to admit.

Try the Indian Pudding, I was told. The waitress set it down, cautioning, “Cahful, it’s haht.”

Which it  had ice cream atop.

lunch3

“This is lo-cal,” I stated more than asked. “Right?”

“Let’s put it this way, hon: You won’t have no prahblem sleeping.”

“What’s in it?”

“Cahn meal, molasses and brown sugah.”

Right glad am I that this is but a short stay

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Parenting for Pilots

By lex, on July 17th, 2010

Sent along by an occasional reader –

Some of you may have wondered how I disciplined my children to turn out so well. Most people nowadays think  it improper to discipline children, so I  tried other methods to  control my kids when they  had one of ‘those  moments.’

Since I’m a pilot, one that I have found  very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight in the  plane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to  reflect on his or her behavior.

I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the  engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games,  computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually  calmed down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe  that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in  achieving the desired results.

I’ve included a  photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use  the technique.  It also works well in  cars.

ParentingForPilots

 

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