Category Archives: Humor

“It’ll be great,” they said

By lex, on July 9th, 2008

“You’ll get to see more of your family,” they said.

And at 1930 on a Wednesday evening, supper cools as we severally debate just the right words to capture the moment on slide 11 of an 84 slide Milestone C PowerPoint brief.

This is the dream. I’m living it. Now.

Update: 2006 and we’re all the way to slide 28. Now we’re cooking with gas!

 

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This Post Contains No Content

By lex, on August 29th, 2011

So, after yesterday’s screed against the media elites, your host traveled first to Venice Beach with his youngest daughter and only wife, on account of the former hadn’t been and the latter wanted to have a look at Teh Crazy. From thence we had planned to navigate via the beautiful Pacific Coast Highway to Santa Barbara, where the latter hopes to attend college school.

We took the new ride up the coast, the ancient BMW having been successfully sold. It was a ret pleasant trip, at least so far as Venice Beach, which quite lived up to its reputation. The Kat was unimpressed, while the Hobbit – an inveterate people watcher – was fascinated. For my own part, I felt more than a little out of place, the demographic consisting largely of 20-somethings with dreadlocked hair in various stages of deshabille, and pervy 60-somethings watching with creepy vigilance. Lunch and gone, and wouldn’t the PCH be a blast?

It wouldn’t.

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Missed the Mark

By lex, on August 21st, 2011

I rather like Wired.com, including Noah Schactman’s military themed “Danger Room”. The online version of the magazine has managed to become successful through its edgy-hip-beholden-to-none-outsider vibe while avoiding the dread sobriquet of  ”sell out.”

But sometimes being on the outside means failing to understand what’s on the inside. In her “Ready, Aim, Attire” post, 20-something New Yorker Lena Grogan castigates the uniform of the Life Guards as “silly”, among others.

MissedTheMark.jpg

Go ahead, Lena: Say it to their faces.

We can’t all dress in black on black.

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Whisper: Barber Shop Issues

By Whisper, on August 19th, 2011

We are nearing the half-way point of our scheduled seven-month deployment, and have been on-station on the North Arabian Sea flying combat missions in support of Operation Enduring Freedom for over a month now.  A routine has developed.  For aficionados of Bill Murray films, this routine is commonly referred to as “Groundhog’s Day”.  It is a seemingly endless cycle of days that, try as you may to change it, goes-on with or without you.  Days of the week are no longer marked with a name, but are instead referenced in realtion to when your favorite meal will be served again.  For some it is Steak Night, for others it is the weekly brunch (which is done particularly well on this here warship).

For the most part, the routine sustains you.  A rhythm develops that helps pass the time.  However, in the case of an annoying or unprofessional shipmate, a routine of lackadaisical performance can drive a man insane.  Yesterday, one man reached his breaking point:

From: [redacted]
Sent: Thursday, August 18, 2011 8:03
To: [redacted]
Cc: [redacted]
Subject: Barber Shop Issues

 LTjg [redacted],
I believe that your barber shop requires additional supervision. I have ignored issues in the past (i.e. loud obnoxious rap music, general horseplay, ect), but this latest occurrence is ridiculous.

Yesterday, I made an appointment for a 1400 hair cut. Due to my busy day, I showed up 20 minutes early to see if there was an open seat. When I arrived, your barber was sound asleep on the bench with head phones on. I attempted to wake “[redacted]” up (not sure of rank/rate). He did not wake up so I left and came back 15 minutes later. He was still asleep.

Instead of attempting to wake him up, I decided to sit in the barber chair until he awoke. After about 20 minutes, he finally awoke and said “whut kinda cut you want?” I told him what I wanted and he proceeded to put his head phones back on and cut my hair. The only other thing he asked me was “you want be edged”? I was not sure what that meant, so I said no.

I run a department of 130 sailors and chiefs who work long hours on the flight deck. I do not allow them to sleep during duty hours. I am not aware of your division’s policies on sleeping, so I apologize if I am imposing unrealistic expectations.

Upon telling this story to my fellow Air Wing officers, this exact issue has happened several times and seems to be the norm.

The only good part of this story is that surprisingly, I got a decent haircut.

R/
[redacted]

All is well that ends well?  Hat’s off to you, shipmate.

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Micro-Blog: Breakfast – Day One

By lex, on August 18th, 2011

Alternate title: Virginia boy too long in Cali comes home

Comfort Suites, Newport News, VA: Cheese omlette, bacon, biscuits and gravy. I swear – I swear – I will not eat this way every day.

Muses: I wonder if they’ll serve grits tomorrow?

Protip: Newport News is pronounced “NU’-pert Niewz”

 

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Square Grouper

By lex, on August 1st, 2011

I sort of miss Key West. It was great flying, great airspace, multiple aircraft types in the stable and all air combat, all the time. The squadron personnel were top notch, the fishing, diving and bugging (lobster fishing) were fantastic. Cerulean seas, and so on.

The locals were generally friendly, but some were a little… quirky.

The 45th Fleet Adversary squadron is gone, but some things don’t change: *

A 54-year-old Merritt Island man in town to fish with his brother died in a Miami hospital Thursday after ingesting a “square” grouper, according to the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office.

Thomas Swindal and his brother, Kenneth, were trolling in 200 feet of water off Fiesta Key at 3:30 p.m. Wednesday when they found a floating package believed to contain a kilogram of cocaine, sheriff’s spokeswoman Deputy Becky Herrin said.

Square grouper is a popular Florida Keys’ nickname for packaged drugs found floating.

The brothers put the package in a bait well and kept fishing, but Kenneth Swindal told deputies he later saw his brother open it and snort whatever was inside, Herrin said.

About an hour and a half later, Thomas Swindal reportedly began to act strangely, running around the boat, throwing things into the water, including their means of communication, a cellphone and VHF radio. He reportedly picked up knives, a pair of pliers and a gaff, and removed the engine cover, which fell overboard and sank, the release states. He then gaffed the engine and damaged it, leaving the boat adrift, Herrin said.

His brother then threw all the sharp objects overboard, along with the package, which authorities did not recover, Herrin said.

The Fish and Wildlife Commission rendered assistance, but the man could not be saved. The FWC’s Officer Bobby Dube – such a name – went out on a limb and said, “We felt (the fisherman’s death) was drug-related. He was acting crazy and going berserk when officers arrived. He was tearing up stuff.“

I’d say that’s a pretty safe bet.

** Original Link Gone; had to be changed – Ed 

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If By Whiskey

By lex, on July 19th, 2011

Our Marianne sent me a note that I thought it would be fun to share with the crowd. It turns out that Mississippi was a dry state until 1966, at which point the several counties and municipalities were authorized to determine for themselves whether or not they would remain dry or go wet. Any politician on the stump would have to eventually grasp the nettle on which side of the issue he came down, virtually ensuring the alienation of one or another substantial voting bloc. The dry position was deeply laden with hypocrisy, the state was fairly drowning in booze and a “revenuer” was empowered by Jackson to ensure the sale of the illegal beverage was thoroughly and fairly taxed.

In 1952, a young politician named Noah “Soggy” Sweat was asked to address the state house on his opinion about the vexing issue. He had carefully crafted so brilliant a masterpiece of double-speak that the speech became a piece of political iconography, and a by-name example of the relativist fallacy.

It went thus:

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