Category Archives: Humor

Airport Saturdaze

By lex, on January 23rd, 2010

Two hops today, and it was something of a blessing, for it’s been that wet and trashy down Sandy Eggo way over the last many several. Howling winds and rain coming sideways, the usual collapse of civilization on the freeways, as stolid commuters obtusely denied the possibility of rain slicked highways contributing to mishaps. After eight or so days, you’d think that maybe vehicular Darwinism would have been in effect, to teach the survivors that it simply will not do the careen down the highway at 80MPH with ten feet of separation bumper to bumper. That maybe the richest crop of morons gets harvested on the first day, with successive slaughters gracefully tending towards zero.

You’d have been wrong, for thinking that.

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Harsher Measures to Follow

By lex, on December 20th, 2009

As the operations officer of the world’s finest warship, I had a number of fine young officers working for me. One of whom was an unusually fetching lass who  – prior to completing her degree and intelligence officer school – had taken a rather non-traditional route to commission as an aromatherapeutic massage technician. Late one night at the end of a seemingly endless number of days at sea I was sitting alone in my office hoping to noodle through the immensity of all that we were trying to accomplish when I looked up to see her standing at the door, having something or other official to report. I took her report, asked in an off-hand way how she was bearing up in her first deployment and – duties official and formulaic completed – looked back to my desk at the egregious load of 3M documentation requiring my review and signature, and myself an FA-18 pilot for  heaven’s sake.

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The Genie

By lex, on November 25th, 2009

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the  ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an  antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of  smoke. The Genie says, “I usually grant three wishes, but since there are three of you, I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first!” says the Petty Officer Second Class.  “I want to be in  the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not  a care in the world.”  Poof!  He’s gone.

“Me next!” says the First Class.  “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing  on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina  coladas and a beautiful woman.”  Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next, Chief” says the Genie.

The Chief says, “I want those two back on the ship right after lunch.”

 

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The Box Office

By lex, on August 20th, 2009

Got this through the email pipe.

TheBoxOffice1

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.”

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Tailhooks

By lex, on August 6th, 2009

Tailhooks

Non-approved usage.

Carrier Quals from Beeville, Texas, the story goes. A little bit of land left.

The student allegedly climbed “up” the F-9F advanced training jet before realizing that it was going to be hard getting past the still running engine exhaust. Had to climb back down again to shut her down again.

 

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Navy: Chicken, Road

 

By lex, on July 30th, 2009

Subject: The U.S. Navy answers the question: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS): Due to the needs of the Navy, chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC): This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as “roads.”

Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR): The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without Chopping, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.

Naval Intelligence: What chicken?

Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM): The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWARSYSCOM): The “stovepipe” chickens of today will be replaced with a multi-function, supported, affordable, integrated and interoperable world-class chicken to warriors and supporting elements, enabling them to dominate the roads of today and tomorrow, as we move “Forward…From the Sea.” Comptroller holds and corporate taxes, however, will require delay fielding for two years, unless Congressional plus-ups are approved.

NAVSEASYSCOM’s Chicken Systems Program Office (PMS400CSPO): In a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. The CSPO helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission. However, the actual crossing of the road has not occurred due to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

 

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Howls of Outrage

By lex, on June 24th, 2009

Despite denying foreknowledge, the Bush admin took some hits from the perpetually outraged set when FEMA staged the set of a hastily called presser which drew No Actual Reporters. Jeff Gannon became the target of all kinds of personal calumny (and a fair bit of humor) from Actual Reporters (and the HuffPo crewe) for asking softball questions at Bush press conferences in 2005.

So it is with some relish that I await the howls of outrage from Actual Reporters (and the HuffPo crewe) to the Potemkin Village that the White House Press Room has become. Courtesy, you know: Of HuffPo.

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