Category Archives: Humor

A very short sea story

By lex, on June 30th, 2006

I joined the Navy to see the world – And found out that the world was two-thirds water.

Yeah, I know. I’ll try harder next time.

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Safe on deck

By lex, on May 16th, 2006

Lord I dislike traveling from east to west. Let my secretary talk me into a 0630 flight out of Sandy Eggo, so that I could get to Norfolk while it was still daylight. Which is supposed to mean something to me, or maybe she’s being solicitous. On account of my advancing decrepitude, like.

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Stuff you learn

By lex, on May 15th, 2006

John of Argghhh wrote to me a propos of certain flings * (delivered in comments) against his “queen of the battlefield *” – flings flung by your humble scribe, as it turns out. He wrote as how he’d had the chance to duck some death from above, only the kind delivered by friendlies: accidental, like. Twice in fact, which is twice too often, says I. Though I say it with a guilty conscience, having had the occasion to fall short of perfect, once upon a time.

A CAS training mission it was, back in the day. Very exciting. Hard jinks, low pops, and fire support deconfliction. Tanks in the open, which is a damn fine place for ‘em to be, when you’re bringing the heat. MK-82 Snakeyes **, on account of the drag, you see – low altitude bombing makes an attack pilot yearn for safe separation, and retarded fins serve the purpose quite well.

I’d been having a pretty good day, shack hits left, right and center. Had to squeezle around an emergent threat, which foogled up my final attack heading – this is all very technical, you understand – to where I was slinging iron in the general direction of the Forward Air Controller. Which was a bad thing.

Not to worry of course: Retarded fins, etc. Except you see, that the long and the short of it was that that it landed long, rather than short. Nearly in my FAC’s lap. The fins failed to deploy, you see.

Fortunately, the fuzing at least worked as advertised – without that sudden decel, the weapon dudded. Just like it’s supposed to. But it left us all rather thoughtful, at the end of the day.

It isn’t all beer and skittles, and sometimes the line between hero and goat is tended by fate, rather than skill. Which is worth keeping in mind.

* 07-04-2018 Links Gone; no replacements found – Ed.

** 07-04-2018  Original link gone; replacement found – Ed.

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This captain gig?

By lex, on May 11th, 2006

I could get used to it…

Walked not once but twice – TWICE! – into the belly of the naval beast, yesterday. First trip had summat to do with my new-fangled, up scale, high tech, non-functioning ID card. Went over to the “Personnel Support Detachment,” which, depending on where you put your breath stop in that three word name, is either a very descriptive statement, or an ironic oxymoron. PSDs ordinarily being the military equivalent of a no-appointment drop in at the local DMV.

I’d had high hopes, too! The officer-in-charge is an old shipmate – called ahead, because a shipmate cannot turn you down, but no: The OIC is in a meeting all afternoon. How can I be… heh-heh: of assistance? Muah-ha-ha!

Still, such are the burdens of the service that the thing had to be done. Nothing for it but to square our shoulders, and march bravely in, hoping for the best, expecting the worst.

In and out in five minutes. Best. PSD stop. Ever.

Then on to medical, to get permission to run the physical readiness test. A mission not unlike begging for a root canal, even before you factor in the joys of socialized medicine, military style. I realized a long time ago that they get paid by the day, over at the medical clinic. Not by the patient. And by the time you’ve earned the right to be a curmudgeon, you get issued a hospital corpsman that wasn’t even a gleam in his father’s eye the first time you flew in combat, gazing up at you from behind the security of his desk with reptillian indifference, to provide you curmudgeonly ammunition.

Except that yesterday, there wasn’t. In and out in eight minutes, three of which I yield back to kismet, charging them to my own predilection when the opportunity arises to converse with fetching female flight surgeons.

So, yeah. I could get used to it.

 

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Keep This in Mind

Mon – September 5, 2005

 

The next time a Hollywood celebrity tries to impress you with his political acumen **:

EFFORTS by Hollywood actor Sean Penn to aid New Orleans victims stranded by Hurricane Katrina foundered badly overnight, when the boat he was piloting to launch a rescue attempt sprang a leak.

Mr Penn had planned to rescue children waylaid by Katrina’s flood waters, but apparently forgot to plug a hole in the bottom of the vessel, which began taking water within seconds of its launch.

Oh, I know. I shouldn’t josh him for neglecting to put the drainage plug back in the boat before lowering it into the water. Anyone could make that mistake, if he’d never actually launched a boat before. At least he was trying, right?

Right?

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Writing Something

By Lex, on Wed – April 6, 2005

Because, sometimes?

It’s just a matter of grinding it out.

Two days into my seven day leave, and I’m already starting to feel nostalgic about it. Like it’s going by too fast. Like I’m missing it.

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Leave, Continued

By Lex, on Thu – April 7, 2005

 

When a ship that is tired returneth,

With the signs of the seas showing plain;

Men place her in dock for a season,

And her speed she reneweth again.

 So shall ye, if perchance ye grow weary,

In the uttermost parts of the sea,

Pray for leave, for the good of the Service,

As much and as oft as may be.

 

Excerpt, from the poem, “Laws of the Navy ,” by ADM R.A Hopwood, RN

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