Category Archives: Humor

You Know You’re in the Af When…

By lex, on January 16th, 2010

From occasional reader Kevin:

  1. You flinched from a controlled detonation your first week, then stand in the open to watch real mortars landing– a month later.
    2. The most intimate contact you’ve had in months is with the shower curtain.
    3. Your most successful pick-​​up line is “I’ve got a vehicle.”
    4. In PT gear all the Air Force people look like glow-​​in-​​the-​​dark Power Rangers and you can’t even see the Army Folks.
    5. Your 06:00 wake-​​up call is: BOOM “ROCKET ATTACK – ROCKET ATTACK. Take cover immediately.”
    6. They actually give weapons to the Air Force personnel.
    7. You give directions using T-​​Wall & bunker murals as points of reference.
    8. You realize AAFES is their own country and can print their own money. (POGS)
    9. The amount of sand in your boots is only surpassed by the amount in your nose.
    10. Something as simple as taking a shower or going to the bathroom at 02:00 requires preparation equal to the Apollo moon landing.
    11. The Texas-​​style brisket is not from Texas, is not brisket, and has no style.
    12. You are watching a “chick-flick” with 300 guys with machine guns.
    13. Your internet connection is twice as slow as your old dial-​​up connection back home.
    14. You are lying under your bed in your PPE writing to your spouse, “No, nothing exciting happened today,” and you mean it.
    15. You can buy a Guitar Heroes Game from the on post AAFES, but paper towels are nowhere to be found.
    16. You live in a gated community, but your home is still a Container.
    17. You are caught driving way over the speed limit and you were only going 12 MPH.
    18. During Alarm Red someone jumps out of the bunker to tell you to get your hands out of your pockets.
    19. Your idea of a night on the town is going to another DFAC or another PX.
    20. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but you still wouldn’t want to be on that side of the fence.
    21. Dusting the furniture has a whole new meaning.
    22. “Pimp my Ride” means putting doors on your Hummer or painting your Gator tires gold.
    23. U2 is hitting the charts again.
    24. The local community holds fireworks displays every night in your honor.
    25. Driving over the curb seems totally natural.
    26. The outcome of the war hinges on how you wear your reflective belt.
    27. You see a guy in full battle rattle driving a Humvee trying not to spill his latte.
    28. It feels normal to dry your hands at the DFAC with toilet paper.
    29. Your idea of a clear day is when you can see the perimeter of the base from where you are.
    30. The dust on the dashboard of your vehicle is an inch think, but you don’t even notice it.
    31. You don’t even notice T-​​walls anymore.
    32. Cold water from the shower is only possible after Oct.1.
    33. Getting your laundry back from the contractor is a big deal.
    34. A 105-​​degree day in the summer actually feels cool.
    35. You don’t even notice an F-16 taking off anymore.
    36. You don’t stop what you’re doing anymore when you hear automatic gun fire coming from the perimeter.
    37. You used to think that F-16’s, doing afterburner take-off, were cool. Now it just pisses you off.
    38. Without even looking outside, you know that the weather sucks because you weren’t woken up all night from the roar of the F-16’s.
    39. The weather forecast includes “a chance of smoke.” (Lt. Col. Downie)
    40. That $2 DVD you are watching was just released in theaters yesterday and it comes complete with silhouetted heads and Arabic subtitles.
    41. You see people wearing their extreme cold weather gear when the temperature drops into the 60s.
    42. The day you arrived in country, you were disappointed that not one member of the opposite sex in your unit was even remotely attractive. One month later, you’re trying to figure out where all these hotties came from and then you realize they are all in your unit.
    43. You get excited about drinking your two allotted beers while watching the Super Bowl in the middle of the night, and the beers give you a buzz.
    44. You only know what day it is by seeing what is on the menu at the DFAC.
    45. You wear flip-​​flops while you are showering.
    46. The man dressed in the Santa suit is carrying an M16 and wearing body armor and a helmet
    47. You see Navy Seabees in the desert – the opposite place the navy SHOULD BE !
    48. You find yourself humming along to the Haji radio station as it’s the only thing on the radio in the vehicle. 

Back To The Index 

Leave a comment

Filed under Afghanistan, Best of Neptunus Lex, by lex, Carroll "Lex" LeFon, Carroll LeFon, Humor

Double Haul

By lex, on February 17th, 2012

So, the ice-off is just around the corner, and I have my Christmas gifts all assembled. A 9′/5W St. Croix Elite rod, coupled with an Orvis Battenkill, mid-arbor reel. Hydros 5-wt line and a 9′, 5x tapered nylon leader. Some tippet material when the leader gets a little thick. A nice over-the-shoulder pack to replace my worn out vest.

The waders and boots will probably have to wait a few more paychecks. But in the short term I’ve been able to practice some casts on the creek in the back yard. Pretty good with the standard casting, and my roll casts are going pretty well also. But I’ve been struggling a bit with my double-haul casts.

Fortunately for me, people are giving free instruction on YouTube.

You know, if it weren’t for the crazies overseas, and loonies in Washington, this would have all the makings of a fine century.

Back To The Index

Leave a comment

Filed under Best of Neptunus Lex, by lex, Carroll "Lex" LeFon, Carroll LeFon, Humor, Lex

Knobology

By lex, on January 18th, 2012

Sometimes you really have to look to be sure you’re pressing the right button:

Passengers flying over the Atlantic reacted in horror when a recorded message told them on two occasions that their plane could be about to crash.

Many of those who were awake and heard the announcement began screaming. The plane was cruising at about 35,000ft at the time.

Cabin staff quickly reassured passengers that the message had been played by accident.

That must have been reassuring.

Back To The Index

Leave a comment

Filed under Best of Neptunus Lex, Carriers, Carroll "Lex" LeFon, Carroll LeFon, Humor, Lex

Gunning for the Blues?

By lex, on November 24th, 2011

The horror:**

The Navy’s Blue Angels have been thrilling audiences for more than six decades with their acrobatic flying in fighter planes, but a new era of federal budget worries and proposed deficit cutting has some inside and outside the military raising questions about the millions it costs to produce their shows.

Some want the popular shows grounded and some readers of the Air Force Times newspaper — most of them active or retired service members — recently listed eliminating the Blue Angels and similar programs as one way to cut defense spending.

Oh. Air Force Times readers. I thought they mentioned “the military.”

Never mind.

** 11-05-2018 Original link gone; replacement found – Ed.

Back To The Index

Leave a comment

Filed under Best of Neptunus Lex, by lex, Carroll "Lex" LeFon, Carroll LeFon, Humor, Lex, Uncategorized

Hallowe’en Groaner

Posted by Lex, on October 29, 2008

 

I’m only the messenger

Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

He took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Best of Neptunus Lex, Carroll "Lex" LeFon, Carroll LeFon, Humor, Lex, Uncategorized

Solidarity

By lex, on February 3rd, 2011

To the rest of my countrymen shivering in the darkness and trying to dig out from the freakishly cold winter storm * that has blanketed half the nation from those of us in Sandy Eggo: We totally feel your pain.

Solidarity.jpg

I myself had to turn on the heater this morning after getting out of bed. The house was that chilled.

It’s noon and I’m still wearing a sweater.

We get it.

* 10-16-2018 Link Gone; no replacements found – Ed.

Back To The Index

Leave a comment

Filed under Best of Neptunus Lex, by lex, Carroll "Lex" LeFon, Carroll LeFon, Humor, Lex, Small Stuff

Pelosisms

By lex, on July 1st, 2010

The Speaker is the gift that keeps on giving:

Unemployment benefits are creating jobs faster than practically any other program, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Thursday.

Talking to reporters, the House speaker was defending a jobless benefits extension against those who say it gives recipients little incentive to work. By her reasoning, those checks are helping give somebody a job.

“It injects demand into the economy,” Pelosi said, arguing that when families have money to spend it keeps the economy churning. “It creates jobs faster than almost any other initiative you can name.”

Why then, let’s lay off everyone and stimulate demand until we get to full employment.

Back To The Index

Leave a comment

Filed under Best of Neptunus Lex, by lex, Carroll "Lex" LeFon, Carroll LeFon, Humor, Neptunus Lex, Politics and Culture