This is what we have to work with

By lex, on September 13th, 2007

You guys think fighter pilots have big heads? You haven’t had to work with the Goat Locker.

 

The CHIEF doesn’t sleep with a night light. The CHIEF isn’t afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of the CHIEF.

The CHIEF’s tears can cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.

The CHIEF once visited The Virgin Islands. They are now simply called The Islands.

The CHIEF once counted to infinity . . . twice!

The CHIEF frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.

Superman owns a pair of CHIEF pajamas.

The CHIEF has never paid taxes. He just sends in a blank form and includes a picture of himself.

If the CHIEF is late, then time had damn well better slow down.

The CHIEF has the greatest Poker Face ever. He once won the 1982 World Series of Poker despite the fact that he held only a Joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a Monopoly Get-Out-Of-Jail card, and a green number 4 UNO card.

The CHIEF once sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his rugged good looks and unparalleled strength. He then beat up the devil and took back his soul. The devil (who appreciates irony), couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the CHIEF was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” The CHIEF received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

The CHIEF actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

The CHIEF once ate three 72-oz steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.

The CHIEF clogs the toilet even when he goes “#1″.

The CHIEF refers to himself in the fourth person.

The CHIEF can divide by zero.

If the CHIEF ever calls your house, be in!

The CHIEF doesn’t leave messages; he leaves warnings.

The CHIEF is one-eighth Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry. The man once ate an Indian.

If you come home and find the CHIEF in bed with your wife, it would be a good idea to fetch a glass of water in case the CHIEF gets thirsty. There is no future in any other course of action.

The CHIEF can slam a revolving door.

The CHIEF was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

One time in an airport a guy accidentally called the CHIEF “buddy.” He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. The CHIEF accepted his apology and politely shook hands. Nine months later the guy’s wife gave birth to a baby with a birthmark that looked like a fouled anchor. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry, he transforms into the CHIEF.

When the CHIEF exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Bullets dodge the CHIEF.

The CHIEF once took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink . . . once.

The first lunar eclipse took place after the CHIEF challenged the sun to a staring contest. The sun blinked first.

The CHIEF never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

The scary thing? I think they actually believe it…

Not like us – we’re more modest *.

* 08-15-2018 Links Gone; no replacements found (was from old neptunuslex.com – 10-06-2005 – Ego – Ed.

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2 Comments

Filed under Best of Neptunus Lex, by lex, Carroll "Lex" LeFon, Carroll LeFon, Humor, Lex, Neptunus Lex

2 responses to “This is what we have to work with

  1. Pingback: Index – The Rest of Neptunus Lex | The Lexicans

  2. Pingback: Neptunus Lex: Humorous Navy Stories | The Lexicans

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