Education of a Southerner

By lex, on February 13th, 2010

Got this from occn’l reader Jim, for your Saturday morning giggle – it was entitled “Diary of a Mad Shoveler”, but I like mine better:

December 8 – 6:00 PM
It started to snow.  The first  snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat  for hours by the window watching the huge  soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt  like newlyweds again.  I love snow!

December  9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow  covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!   Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving  here was the best idea I’ve ever had!  Shoveled for the first time  in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and  the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks  and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a  perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted  all our lovely snow..  Such a disappointment!  My neighbor  tells me not to worry- we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we’ll  have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow  again.  I don’t think that’s possible.  Bob is such a nice  man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely  snow!  8 inches last night.  The temperature dropped to -20.   The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my  breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.   This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried  everything again.  I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this  much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.  I  wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches  forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer.  Bought snow  tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.   The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.   I think that’s silly.  We aren’t in Alaska , after  all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on  the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.   The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very  cruel.

December  17
Still way  below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere.   Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile the blankets  on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not  to irritate her.  Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t  admit it to her.  God I hate it when she’s right.  I can’t  believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity’s  back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.   More shoveling!  Took all day.  The damn snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they  said they’re too busy playing hockey.  I think they’re lying.   Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out.  Might have  another shipment in March.  I think they’re lying.  Bob says I  have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think  he’s lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a  white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and  it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August.  Took me 45  minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee.   By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too  tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter,  but he says he’s too busy.  I think the butthole is  lying.

December  23
Only 2 inches  of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What is she, nuts?!!   Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she  did but I think she’s lying.

December  24
6 inches –  Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I  broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I  ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his  balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know he hides  around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes  down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where  I’ve just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,  but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December  25
Merry  fricking Christmas!  20 more inches of the damn slop tonight –  Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  God, I  hate the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my  shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she’s a  fricking idiot.  If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one  more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December  26
Still snowed  in.  Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She’s really getting on my nerves.

December  27
Temperature  dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of  waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December  28
Warmed up to  above -20.  Still snowed in.  My WIFE is driving me  crazy!!!

December  29
10 more  inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.   That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he  think I am?

December  30
Roof caved  in.  I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the  beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT.  The wife went  home to her mother.  Nine more inches predicted.

December  31
I set fire to  what’s left of the house..  No more shoveling.

Sometimes? Sandy Eggo is just all right.

 

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Filed under Best of Neptunus Lex, Humor, Uncategorized

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